Please don’t kill me in the process

I was going back through some of my old journal entries, and came upon an entry from last June, right after our anniversary. This was the start of realizing that Luke and I needed to seek help to get our marriage back on track.

It was a very painful time.

We would have a few bad nights, reconcile, have a good few days, only to plummet further down the next time. This pattern made us realize that we needed to seek out help no matter how long that “good” stretch went. There were clearly things going on under the surface that we didn’t know how to handle.

Reading that journal entry brought it all back.

The morning of this journal entry I had felt like God told me to camp in his presence. So I did. And in that place I told him what was on my heart. I wrote, search me and know me. You’ve already started a work in me, so finish it to completion. Keep digging and refining me. Please just don’t kill me in the process.

I stopped reading for a second and closed my eyes…remembering. That’s exactly how I felt at that time…do your work, whatever it takes. But I’m going to need your strength to get through it.

To look back on this now is a testimony to my own heart. I laid myself down and opened every piece of my heart to the Lord. “Let your will be done. Do what you need.” I didn’t want to seek out counseling…it felt like admitting defeat. It scared me. Even though we were in that tough place, I loved my husband dearly and I hated to admit that I needed help.

Submitting to the Lord goes against our sinful hearts and human nature. It’s engaging in a war of spirit against flesh. But the result of submitting to the Lord brings life to our souls in a way that we never could have expected.

When we humble ourselves and submit to the Lord, that is when restoration begins. We found marriage counselors through our church and they walked us through biblical counseling. Through them, the Lord shed light on lies we were believing and replaced them with truths. He revealed our pride to us and began to teach us humility. He taught us how to forgive. He showed us how to love.

I look at our relationship now, and see that he has once again proven himself merciful and faithful. He has redeemed and restored and made something new and beautiful out of something that was hurting and broken. He has turned our mourning into joyful dancing. What started out as the lowest point in our marriage has turned into our greatest testimony. It became our springboard into a new life that we would not have apart from God. I can’t stop talking about how faithful he has been to us!

God is faithful to those who put their trust in him. He will redeem and restore. Your current trial isn’t the end. Have faith in the goodness of God, and he will direct your steps. So hold on a little tighter today and take it to the Lord. He has the answer.

You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!
Psalm 30:11-12 NLT

Relax a little

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

This morning I woke up tired of the rat-race. I’ve been feeling tired of always thinking, always boring forward, always concerned with the next thing. Work, events, task lists, get it all done quick quick quick…

I woke up and made my way to the living room with my coffee and sat in the dark, watching the stars – waiting for the sun to rise. All the while the words on my heart were, cease striving and know that I am God (Psalm 46:10 NLT).

The Lord invites us to a slower pace and to a life that is managed and directed by him. I believe that he’s not just to be our first priority, but our source.

He’s the one that needs to be our source of answers, direction, clarity, stability, energy, and willpower. He’s the one that needs to be our source of love, hope, and peace.

Today I feel lead to slow down and breathe. I feel the invitation to live each moment and be at peace with it. I feel like Jesus is whispering to my heart to be present with him and to let him go with me through whatever lies ahead.

Jesus gives us the option to lay it all at his feet and let him take the lead. I think he even prefers it when we slow down and hop in the back seat, surrendering to his leading and instruction. Doing it all on our own is exhausting. What God offers us is full of hope and life.

Read this verse again, slowly. I hope it’ll give you something to hold onto today.

He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless. Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion. But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:29-31

Featured photo by Andrea Reiman on Unsplash

Come back

I’ve been out of whack mentally and physically this week. I’ve been putting all my mental energies on something I’m waiting on, and I’ve had a lot of dairy lately – which my body doesn’t tolerate well. It’s made for a tough week both at work and at home. I feel pretty drained this morning even though I slept for 10 hours.

But even though the ramifications of the dairy are irritating and uncomfortable, it’s nothing compared to the mental energy I’ve spent on this thing. That is truly what is stealing my peace and my joy.

This morning I spent time with the Lord and was reminded of Psalm 46:10 which says,

BE STILL, AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.

It got me thinking…what can I accomplish with all my thoughts on what worries or concerns me?

Nothing, except for that which is harmful.

All my worries, all my planning and analyzing, get me nowhere. All it does is make me anxious, discontent, and lose sight if the here and now. It adds nothing to my life. My constant thinking does nothing to speed the process along. My worry actually robs me.

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Instead, I need to come back to focusing on today, and stewarding what the Lord has already given me. I want to steward it well. He has entrusted much to me, and just because he is working on something else that may come to pass, doesn’t mean that I also need to work on it. I have responsibilities to attend to. I have blessings to enjoy. I have gifts and relationships to invest in and take care of.

God is omnipresent. It’s good to remind myself of this. He is working in many, many ways and areas that I cannot see. But he is also right beside me. He hasn’t left me. While he is working, he is also still teaching and directing me.

So the reminder today is to not get so caught up in what could be, but to come back to God so he can help us steward well what is.


Featured image by unsplash.com/@federicorespini